I am taking an online distance course on Dynamics of Biblical Change. It has been a real blessing and it has pushed me to see my heart with a new light and to seek ways in which I can find a way to change. I have been struggling a lot with my girls disobedience and defiance. It gets really tiring and burdensome when Lily is unhappy about 98% of the things I offer her. And my natural response is to get upset and angry with her, to try to reason with her (bad idea!) and make her see that she is having another tantrum. Well, in watching my lectures and reading my readings and writing my assignments I have realised that what comes out in the difficult situations is not determined by the situation but by my heart. Dr Powlison uses the great image of a bottle of water, when it gets squashed what comes out is water, but if the bottle is full of gasoline, then it doesn't really matter what the situation is, when the bottle gets squashed what comes out is gasoline! So I was looking at my impatience and my anger and I got to the conclusion that what was coming out of my heart was pure gasoline. I felt sad and hopeless. I guess it is a little bit normal that when you are faced with the ugliness of your own heart you feel a little bit depressed. So I started to ask God how I could put something good inside my bottle so when it gets squashed by the circumstances what would come out is something that would bring honour to him. And God gave me the answer: prayer for my girls more. I decided that I am going to start the day presenting them and me before the Lord. I thought that if I pray for them and think about their weakness and sins I would be more compassionate to deal with them and love them well. Today was my first day! I sat down on my bed and prayed for them, gave thanks for their beautiful selves and pray for their temptations. When I got up I felt like I didn't have a burden on my shoulders! My lovely Lily was terrible during the morning but I managed to see her with different eyes. I still got cross with her, but I managed to express my love for her and not my anger. She was SO different during the afternoon. I am not doing this to twist her arm and change her, I am doing this to change MY heart because she will always push my buttons, that is what your own children do to you (I have discovered!) As my best friend says, I thought I was a nice lady until I had children.
I am grateful to my God that he doesn't let me stay in the ignorance of my own sin, but he shows it to me little by little and he empowers me to change for his sake.
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| My two precious reasons to change! |
Thank you for that important reminder. Now to pray.
ReplyDeletePraise the Lord for what He's doing in your heart, dear Pauli. Your post reminds me of a song we sing at church, called "I asked the Lord" by John Newton. I've written it below. I hope it benefits your soul as it has mine!
ReplyDeleteI asked the lord that I might grow
in faith and love and ev'ry grace.
might more of His salvation know
and seek more earnestly His face.
'Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
and he I trust has answered prayer,
but it has been in such a way
as almost drove me to despair.
I hoped that in some favored hour
at once He'd answer my request
and by His love's constraining pow'r
subdue my sins and give me rest.
Instead of this He made me feel
the hidden evils of my heart
and let the angry pow'rs of Hell
assault my soul in ev'ry part.
Yea more with His own hand He seemed
intent to aggravate my woe,
crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
cast out my feelings, laid me low.
Lord, why is this, I trembling cried?
Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?
"Tis in this way," the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and faith."
"These inward trials I employ
from self and pride to set thee free
and break thy schemes of earthly joy
that thou may'st find thy all in me."