Husband's idea

Yes, it is true, the idea of writing a blog was Andrew's. I have never been very good at blogging... I tried once and I failed! But Andrew thought that it was a good idea for me to write about what happen and also reflect on it. Today it wasn't an easy day. Lily and I ate something that disagreed with both of us and as a result we had (all of us, including poor Andrew who got up a billion times to check on Lily) a horrible night. So, this morning Andrew left for language school and I stayed home with my beautiful Lily... sigh. She wasn't her normal self today, I have to say. She was walking behind me following everywhere with her arms stretched and crying but as soon as I picked her up she would say "down", and the cycle started again. Add to that the fact that she refused drinking the rice water that I prepared for her, spat on me the grated apple and the cooked rice and screamed every time I asked her to drink water. Oh boy.

The hardest bit was when I went to get her up form her nap. I asked her "Do you want to go and see Papa?" she said "No" and I thought "Oh well, better get her dressed first" and then the screaming, hitting, arching back started! I felt awful, the most unloved and hated mother in the whole world! I didn't understand what was happening to my little girl. I just went to get Andrew and left him with my now calm baby and walked away to cry. I started thinking all the things I have done for that child, all the pains and the sleepless nights, all the hard work in thinking what to cook for her, etc. Yes, I was upset because she wasn't not giving me what I wanted. I want my baby to find rest in me, to respect me and love me, I want my baby to admire my wisdom and seek my direction. The truth is that Lily is not different from me. Well, I don't recall screaming and hitting any of my mothers, but I have bad memory for embarrassing events. But I know that I am like that with God. Many times in my life I have screamed and kicked because I didn't like what God was doing with my life. I have behaved like a child many times and I know that God doesn't start feeling sorry for himself but keeps loving me. I know that the worst thing I can do in a situation like the one I had today is to look at myself and to forget to look at God. Feeling sorry for myself and writing a list of all the things that make my miserable just drive me further from God, the source of my consolation. So after lots and lots of tears I prayed that God would forgive me for just thinking about myself, and he would remind me of what is true and not being driven for what I feel. What a blessing to know that I am a forgiven mother.