Hot Cross Buns

Last year I read the book by Kent and Barbara Hughes called Disciplines of a Godly Family. One of the many helpful things I found in it was to create traditions for the important events in our life as a family. Easter is a huge event in our life together, if it wasn't for what Christ did for each one of us (I mean specifically Andrew and I) we probably would have never met!

So Andrew and I started looking for Hot Cross Buns recipes to bake on Good Friday. We got one yesterday and went to the supermarket to get all the ingredients. It was exciting to try to figure out how we could alter the recipe now that we live 2800m above see level.

This morning we had a slow morning since our little girl was so kind in sleeping in. We got up, had breakfast and starting the baking process. You need yeast to make hot cross buns, which involves kneading and waiting. It was great to be able to cook together with Andrew again. (We used to do it a lot, but now that we have our lovely Lily cooking needs to be quick and simple!) It was great to put everything together, to feel the dough, to see it rising, and to make the little balls. It was great to smell the buns in the oven and see our pretty perfect buns when they were ready. But the best part was to show them to Lily and to sit next to her and show her the little cross on her bun, and explain to her that in a day like today, many many years ago, Jesus had died for us so we could live.

I know that the words might be too big for her now, that she doesn't understand sin and substitutionary atonement, but she does understand that we eat something special today. I want today to be the first of many Easters in which we as a family get together and bake hot cross buns, not just because it is great to have the smell of baking overflowing the house, but because it is such a tangible way to help us to remember that Jesus died on that cross so we can be alive and rejoice in the life he has given us.

Jesus, thank you for living the life I could never live and for dying the death I so justly deserve!

Godly anger / Ungodly response

I am a shy person and I need time and space to regroup. Well, this week it has been one of those weeks in which any private time is impossible! The house has been crowded with people (all nice people, for sure) which means that Lily has been sleeping with us for the last 6 days. So we have had 6 pretty bad nights. We are tired because of the lack of sleep, and for sharing the space with 20 more people in the house. And as we get tired, or should I say, as I get tired, I get easily offended and angry.

I love cooking for my family. Cooking used to be one of those things that I did as a way of relaxation... Well, now I just try to keep sane as I cook dinner and play with Lily while Andrew is writing his essay for tomorrow. So after spending about 2 hours preparing meat balls (I am really struggling to make Lily eat ANY meat!) because she used to like them, I am tired and I just want a peaceful dinner, where my husband enjoys my cooking and my little girl eats with gusto. But, that's not what happened tonight. Well, my husband did enjoy the meat balls, but my girl screamed and threw a tantrum. So we had a trip to her cot to give her the chance to calm down, and for her to get the message that she can't just do whatever she wants. But, when she came back she was still upset. She is allow to play with a toy while we finish dinner, but she didn't want to do that, so she threw the toy and, not only that, she took the fork that had meat ball and cheese and threw on the floor! At that point I had enough. I was ssoooo angry with her! I took her to the cot in my angry mood, and put her in her cot. I told her that tantrums are not acceptable and that neither is throwing food on the floor. She answered "Ta" every time, which in Lily's language means yes, but I still left her there as a way of disciplining her. And I also left her there because I needed time to calm down. Poor Andrew, he didn't get a pleasant dinner either, because he had to deal with two angry girls!

Reflecting on what happened, I was right to be angry with Lily. Her disobedience should make me angry, because it is going against everything that is good, and because it makes me act in such a way to stop her from keeping in her sin. Godly anger is right when my child decides to rebel against me. Now, the tricky bit is to deal with this anger. The right response for Lily's disobedience was to discipline her taking her to her cot. The wrong response was doing it angrily for not respecting her Mummy. I was so cross with her, that I wasn't the gentle, tender and loving mother that I should be. I know that so many times I fall short from what I should be. And my tendency is to feel bad about it, and to want to run and hide away. But the right response to an ungodly anger is repentance. Yes, so when I went to pick Lily up, I explained to her why she was there. I asked her to say sorry. Then, I said sorry to her and asked her forgiveness. I wish I never did the wrong thing, but I know that I always do something that hurt my little girl, and that I will keep doing wrong things because I am a sinner and I sin. But I want my little girl to grow up knowing that Mummy will always come to her and ask for her forgiveness because her Mummy knows that the Lord forgave her so much more!

Everyday life

We have been living in this country for more than a month now, which means lots of things...

First, that our visa has expired and that we still haven't even managed to put all the paper's together to present to immigration (the fact that there was an earthquake in Chile where our papers were going to be authenticated didn't help!)

Second, that Andrew is getting much better with his Spanish, so much so that his teachers one week say "we need to focus on your grammar" and the next week they say "actually, you just need to talk to other Bolivians and you will pick up the grammar"

Third, that I finally have set a routine for Lily! Which makes Lily and her Mummy much happier. That means that Lily is learning to wait patiently in her cot in the morning and that I don't have to get up at 5:30 just because she is awake; that I can do my "chores" with Lily and so I can feel I am serving my family and Lily learns that Mummy has other things to do apart from playing with her; that Lily is learning to actually stay in her room for "room time" and play in her room for 10 minutes!

Fourth, that I am learning to eat Bolivian food, and to learn to cook it! Now I love "Humintas". Now you need to understand that the first time I try it, I misheard the name and I thought that it was "Humitas" which is yellow corn with basil cooked in the corn leaves in hot water! Savoury dish. Well, Humintas is like a cake with cheese on top and with sugar. But now, I truly like it and Sonia, the lovely house help, taught me how to cook it.

Fifth, that I am learning to love the streets of this country, despite the smell and the dogs. I am enjoying the amazing things that you can see on the streets: like a man doing tattooing outside the bus terminal, another man saying "keep an eye on your weight for 50 cents" with a house scale, and people selling all sorts of food.

Sixth, that I am looking forward to move to Tarija, not as a way of escaping from where we are now, but as a way of being truly happy for the future that the Lord has for us in Tarija.

God has been so good to me, he has sustained me and has shown me that he is with me every day, all the day. He has given people to talk to, he has feeding me with his word and with the amazing food that I can find in this country, he has cared for me when I have been sad for my family who has suffered so much, he has embraced me here, in this city that is surrounded by velvety hills, on the top on the Andes. I have met God in this country and I can truly say, He is the same in here! Alleluia!

Not shaken

The last couple of days have been very difficult. Last Saturday my beautiful Chile suffered a massive earthquake. It has never been one like that one before, and I pray that it won't ever be another one like it. My dear brother with his family lives in Talca. My sister was on holidays with her family in Pelluhue where the tsunami was. That was the only information that I had and after hearing how terrible the devastation was I thought that my whole family was dead.

I cried and cried not because I don't trust in God, but because an earthquake is a horrible thing and a reminder that this is a fallen world. I wept because the idea of having lost my family was terrible.

I believe in a good and gracious God, in a God that has everything under control. But that doesn't mean that I can't feel sad for the destruction that my country and my family had.

Yesterday night I finally talked to my dad. He was fine, the house where he lives, although is very old, stood firm. My sister escaped from the tsunami and my brother was fine, although scared.

God is good because he protected my family. But, hang on an minute, How would I feel about God if that hadn't been the case? How would I have felt if someone had died?

It is hard to say but I think I would have cried for another week. I would still believe that God is a Sovereign and good God, that he loves me and he cares for me and my family. There are lots of times when I don't like what God does, because is painful or uncomfortable. But my faith is not based on how God behaves towards me, meeting my desires and hopes. My faith is based on the fact that he loved me and saved me when I was his enemy, when I was the ruins of the earthquake called sin. He has already shown me how much he cares in sending his only Son to die in my place. That's why my faith is not shaken, although the whole earth shakes, my faith in the Living God stands firm!

Justice?

I have been reading Job lately as part of my devotional readings and it has been eye opening. Some years ago I gave a short seminar on Job and I thought I had read and understood everything that I needed from this book. How humbling it is to go back to God's word and being challenged and rebuked! Today I was reading Job 24, another of Job's speeches and I was astonished with the things that he says: life is unfair. The "good one" suffers while the "evil one" prospers. It looks wrong and it is wrong. Specially in the context of Job where his friends where so simplistic in saying that the righteous receives good things from the Lord and the unrighteous receives bad things from God. But life is not as easy as that. I have met people that although they love the Lord and serve Him with all their heart have suffered deeply. They have lost a loved one, or have lost their health, or suffered from injustice. It makes me wonder where is God when things like that happen. And it is when my eyes turn to the cross that I understand where God is. He didn't come to make justice in this world (something that is very popular in Bolivia!), he came to suffer injustice, so through his undeserved suffering we could have a life free from judgement. God has never promised that I won't suffer from injustice, but he has promised that at the end of this life I will be with him and that he is sustaining me every step pf the way. So next time I feel that some people in Bolivia have been unfair for looking down on me or plainly rejecting me for being a chilean, I hope I will look at the cross and be reminded that my Lord suffered so much more for my sake.

Husband's idea

Yes, it is true, the idea of writing a blog was Andrew's. I have never been very good at blogging... I tried once and I failed! But Andrew thought that it was a good idea for me to write about what happen and also reflect on it. Today it wasn't an easy day. Lily and I ate something that disagreed with both of us and as a result we had (all of us, including poor Andrew who got up a billion times to check on Lily) a horrible night. So, this morning Andrew left for language school and I stayed home with my beautiful Lily... sigh. She wasn't her normal self today, I have to say. She was walking behind me following everywhere with her arms stretched and crying but as soon as I picked her up she would say "down", and the cycle started again. Add to that the fact that she refused drinking the rice water that I prepared for her, spat on me the grated apple and the cooked rice and screamed every time I asked her to drink water. Oh boy.

The hardest bit was when I went to get her up form her nap. I asked her "Do you want to go and see Papa?" she said "No" and I thought "Oh well, better get her dressed first" and then the screaming, hitting, arching back started! I felt awful, the most unloved and hated mother in the whole world! I didn't understand what was happening to my little girl. I just went to get Andrew and left him with my now calm baby and walked away to cry. I started thinking all the things I have done for that child, all the pains and the sleepless nights, all the hard work in thinking what to cook for her, etc. Yes, I was upset because she wasn't not giving me what I wanted. I want my baby to find rest in me, to respect me and love me, I want my baby to admire my wisdom and seek my direction. The truth is that Lily is not different from me. Well, I don't recall screaming and hitting any of my mothers, but I have bad memory for embarrassing events. But I know that I am like that with God. Many times in my life I have screamed and kicked because I didn't like what God was doing with my life. I have behaved like a child many times and I know that God doesn't start feeling sorry for himself but keeps loving me. I know that the worst thing I can do in a situation like the one I had today is to look at myself and to forget to look at God. Feeling sorry for myself and writing a list of all the things that make my miserable just drive me further from God, the source of my consolation. So after lots and lots of tears I prayed that God would forgive me for just thinking about myself, and he would remind me of what is true and not being driven for what I feel. What a blessing to know that I am a forgiven mother.